Why is it that what I push away...I attract?
It was always that way. It's like he could feel me pulling away, forgetting, moving on, whatever it was, and that's when he would reach out, pull, or cajole.
Over the last few years, I've deleted thousands and thousands of emails. Just a few nights ago, I finally deleted his cell number from my mobile phone. I deleted him.
So, today, he emails and calls.
So, why didn't his engagement work out? He says it's my fault. Ha!
It's really his insecurity and her insecurity. A matching set of baggage. It had nothing to do with me. They pushed themselves apart. Two of the exact same magnets who pushed apart.
Not me...deleted.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Simple Words = Prayer
My friend Lynne sent me these words in an email message. I found them moving enough to post here:
~~~
To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.
When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
~~~
Sometimes, simple words can create a prayer.
~~~
To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.
When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
~~~
Sometimes, simple words can create a prayer.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'
People think that I don't like to hug. I love to hug.
If I were to cry, why would I want a hug? A hug would make me feel weak and make me cry harder...if I wasn't ready for it.
If I were in the privacy of my own home with someone I trusted or a hunky dude, then a hug would be good. My ex-dysfunction used to give me shoulder-time when I was upset. I liked shoulder-time. I loved it. I miss it. I'd like shoulder-time with a new man. Tenderness.
When my Dad walked me down the aisle, he patted my hand the whole way. I'm not sure if he was nervous or thought I was. Affection.
When my Dad died, I still remember the hugs from family and friends. I can still feel them, physically feel their arms around me. Comfort.
I get/give friendly hugs from/to friends I've known for 25 years. Those are nice. I trust those hugs. Trust.
The hugs when my Sister and her family are leaving after a visit are a way to hold onto them until the next visit. Kalli squeezes. Tyler pats my back. When I try to think of the description of my sister's hug, it hurts too much for words. Commitment.
I hug my daughters. True Love.
Today at work, some guy was talking to me and another woman. He said something about giving out free foot rubs, but how I wouldn't want one, because I don't like to be touched. Dude! What the French, Toast?
If anything, I tend to crave sensory input, like Sophie does. I love to get massages, manicures, pedicures. I'm not ticklish. I love to get my feet rubbed. I have a bumpy footstool at work so that I can take my shoes off and rub my own socked feet. It's a great stress-reliever.
However, to the point, and of course, I make light of it, because that's what I do. If some hottie were to give me a hug out of the blue when I was unprepared, I'd probably implode. Don't tease a girl with a sip of water when there's no well in sight. Seriously, I'd probably melt to the ground and cry in want of someone to hold me.
If I were to cry, why would I want a hug? A hug would make me feel weak and make me cry harder...if I wasn't ready for it.
If I were in the privacy of my own home with someone I trusted or a hunky dude, then a hug would be good. My ex-dysfunction used to give me shoulder-time when I was upset. I liked shoulder-time. I loved it. I miss it. I'd like shoulder-time with a new man. Tenderness.
When my Dad walked me down the aisle, he patted my hand the whole way. I'm not sure if he was nervous or thought I was. Affection.
When my Dad died, I still remember the hugs from family and friends. I can still feel them, physically feel their arms around me. Comfort.
I get/give friendly hugs from/to friends I've known for 25 years. Those are nice. I trust those hugs. Trust.
The hugs when my Sister and her family are leaving after a visit are a way to hold onto them until the next visit. Kalli squeezes. Tyler pats my back. When I try to think of the description of my sister's hug, it hurts too much for words. Commitment.
I hug my daughters. True Love.
Today at work, some guy was talking to me and another woman. He said something about giving out free foot rubs, but how I wouldn't want one, because I don't like to be touched. Dude! What the French, Toast?
If anything, I tend to crave sensory input, like Sophie does. I love to get massages, manicures, pedicures. I'm not ticklish. I love to get my feet rubbed. I have a bumpy footstool at work so that I can take my shoes off and rub my own socked feet. It's a great stress-reliever.
However, to the point, and of course, I make light of it, because that's what I do. If some hottie were to give me a hug out of the blue when I was unprepared, I'd probably implode. Don't tease a girl with a sip of water when there's no well in sight. Seriously, I'd probably melt to the ground and cry in want of someone to hold me.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Jewelry
Jewelry is beautiful, but…I just don't have the time to think about it. I have some pretty pieces in a jewelry box.
I wear the same earrings every day. I bought them in a 3-pack for like $7-8 from Target and gave the other 2 pairs to my daughter.
I wear the same ring every day. I’m pretty sure I bought it at Claire’s out of a plastic container full of the same ones. I think it might have cost $2.
I wear a bracelet that I bought from Dayspring Gifts (Hallmark Store) for $6. It’s basically a black rubber band with a silver circle that says, "Have Faith" on one side and "Expect Miracles" on the other.
I am jewelry-challenged.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Tonight's One Word
1. Where is your cell phone? charging
2. Your significant other? invisible?
3. Your hair? bandana
4. Your nails? plain
5. Your father? memories
6. Your favorite thing? cell
7. Your dream last night? frantic
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? book
10. The room you're in? family
11. Your eyes? blurry
12. Your fear? drowning
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? richer
14. Where were you last night? home
15. What you're not? happy
16. Muffins? orange
17. One of your wish list items? words
18. Where did you grow up? Chelsea
19. The last thing you did? laundry
20. What are you wearing? trackies
21. Your TV? off
22 Your pets? Rascal
23. Your computer? on
24. Your life? quick
25. Your mood? tense
26. Missing someone? Sister
27. Your car? Clifford
28. Something you're not wearing? socks
29. Favorite Store? Target
30. Your summer? Soon!
31. Like someone?
32. Your favorite color? orange
33. When is the last time you laughed? today
34. Last time you cried? blog
35. Who will/would re-post this? Hannah
2. Your significant other? invisible?
3. Your hair? bandana
4. Your nails? plain
5. Your father? memories
6. Your favorite thing? cell
7. Your dream last night? frantic
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? book
10. The room you're in? family
11. Your eyes? blurry
12. Your fear? drowning
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? richer
14. Where were you last night? home
15. What you're not? happy
16. Muffins? orange
17. One of your wish list items? words
18. Where did you grow up? Chelsea
19. The last thing you did? laundry
20. What are you wearing? trackies
21. Your TV? off
22 Your pets? Rascal
23. Your computer? on
24. Your life? quick
25. Your mood? tense
26. Missing someone? Sister
27. Your car? Clifford
28. Something you're not wearing? socks
29. Favorite Store? Target
30. Your summer? Soon!
31. Like someone?
32. Your favorite color? orange
33. When is the last time you laughed? today
34. Last time you cried? blog
35. Who will/would re-post this? Hannah
Monday, May 5, 2008
Alternate Universe...who is that girl who looks like Sophie?
Have you heard my troubles in trying to get Sophie to have better hygiene habits? It's been a long time of tricking and kicking and screaming into the shower, running from the bathroom when the toothbrush comes out, and absolutely refusing to get a haircut. (People with autism has extreme sensory issues. For example, I think that her hair actually hurts her scalp at times.)
Tonight, she walked into the bathroom, knowing that that she would take a shower. She walked in. She walked. I didn't have to drag her. It wasn't a fight. She walked in and lifted up her arms to get her shirt off. She still complained and held her hands to her ears, but those feet were playing, kicking at the water. No crying.
I trimmed her bangs. The last time the hairdresser cut her hair, she cried, big alligator, sad tears. When I got the scissors out, she politely refused, but then I asked again. I didn't do a great job. The last time I did it, I did better, but at least she can see without tilting her head back. The hairdresser can fix it at the end of the month. She just stood there and looked at me under those long bangs. No crying.
And then, when I said, "Let's brush teeth." She got out of bed and walked right into the bathroom. She patiently waited for me to get the toothbrush. I brushed for her for a minute, and then I asked her to do it. She tried and did a great job for her. She used to make such faces when I tried to bruch her teeth. She would clench her mouth shut, and yes even cry. Tonight, no crying.
(Okay, she ran from the nail clippers. Maybe I was pushing it? 3 out of 4 is great!) I just keep thinking about how difficult she made those things before. If she made them difficult, they must have been so very difficult for her. They must have felt so weird or actually hurt her. Maybe my prayers are being answered. I just can't stand to see her hurting, to see her crying. Tonight, it was better for her. No crying.
I think I am going to cry. Yep, I am. Crying.
Tonight, she walked into the bathroom, knowing that that she would take a shower. She walked in. She walked. I didn't have to drag her. It wasn't a fight. She walked in and lifted up her arms to get her shirt off. She still complained and held her hands to her ears, but those feet were playing, kicking at the water. No crying.
I trimmed her bangs. The last time the hairdresser cut her hair, she cried, big alligator, sad tears. When I got the scissors out, she politely refused, but then I asked again. I didn't do a great job. The last time I did it, I did better, but at least she can see without tilting her head back. The hairdresser can fix it at the end of the month. She just stood there and looked at me under those long bangs. No crying.
And then, when I said, "Let's brush teeth." She got out of bed and walked right into the bathroom. She patiently waited for me to get the toothbrush. I brushed for her for a minute, and then I asked her to do it. She tried and did a great job for her. She used to make such faces when I tried to bruch her teeth. She would clench her mouth shut, and yes even cry. Tonight, no crying.
(Okay, she ran from the nail clippers. Maybe I was pushing it? 3 out of 4 is great!) I just keep thinking about how difficult she made those things before. If she made them difficult, they must have been so very difficult for her. They must have felt so weird or actually hurt her. Maybe my prayers are being answered. I just can't stand to see her hurting, to see her crying. Tonight, it was better for her. No crying.
I think I am going to cry. Yep, I am. Crying.
Fire
Fire destroys Chelsea shopping center
http://chelseastandard.com/
http://video.ap.org/v/Legacy.aspx?g=385f9c7d-f45e-4e55-8bf6-5d14eb56d797&f=mipon&mk=en-ap&fg=copy
Watching the video, I took this opportunity to discuss with Hannah what she should NOT do.
1. If building is on fire, do not drive toward it.
2. If building is on fire, do not stand so close to watch.
Who are these people milling around? What are they thinking?
I saw 2 barns burn down. It's very scary and sad.
The neighbor's barn...I remember running down the side of the road. I stepped in slushy puddles and my feet were soaking wet, but I didn't really care. I wanted to be there. I'm sure that I could do nothing, but I wanted to know that no one was hurt.
My Uncle Harold's barn...darn sow kicked over a heat lamp. We joked, or maybe we were serious, that the air smelled of bacon cooking. My brother lost his pretty blue speed boat. My Uncle lost at least one antique Allis-Chalmers tractor. I'm sure other farm machinery too. I just don't remember the details. One of the Broderick girls drove in our driveway and honked to tell us that something was wrong. I'm pretty sure that I had to run all the way over there too. Everyone else drove and left too fast for me. I just remember that my Uncle Bob said he had tried to get in and save something, maybe the sow and piglets. And I just thought why did he try that? Doesn't he know how much more important he is? (The thing is...I'm not sure that he knew that, but that's another story.) I never saw him so upset. His face told a story of hopelessness that night. At least, it was the new barn that burned, and another soon replaced it and still stands on the same farm that is now my brother's.
http://chelseastandard.com/
http://video.ap.org/v/Legacy.aspx?g=385f9c7d-f45e-4e55-8bf6-5d14eb56d797&f=mipon&mk=en-ap&fg=copy
Watching the video, I took this opportunity to discuss with Hannah what she should NOT do.
1. If building is on fire, do not drive toward it.
2. If building is on fire, do not stand so close to watch.
Who are these people milling around? What are they thinking?
I saw 2 barns burn down. It's very scary and sad.
The neighbor's barn...I remember running down the side of the road. I stepped in slushy puddles and my feet were soaking wet, but I didn't really care. I wanted to be there. I'm sure that I could do nothing, but I wanted to know that no one was hurt.
My Uncle Harold's barn...darn sow kicked over a heat lamp. We joked, or maybe we were serious, that the air smelled of bacon cooking. My brother lost his pretty blue speed boat. My Uncle lost at least one antique Allis-Chalmers tractor. I'm sure other farm machinery too. I just don't remember the details. One of the Broderick girls drove in our driveway and honked to tell us that something was wrong. I'm pretty sure that I had to run all the way over there too. Everyone else drove and left too fast for me. I just remember that my Uncle Bob said he had tried to get in and save something, maybe the sow and piglets. And I just thought why did he try that? Doesn't he know how much more important he is? (The thing is...I'm not sure that he knew that, but that's another story.) I never saw him so upset. His face told a story of hopelessness that night. At least, it was the new barn that burned, and another soon replaced it and still stands on the same farm that is now my brother's.
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