Sometimes, a dog is just a dog, and sometimes not

(My friend just got a new dog, and she blogged about memories and the way this new dog stirs her. I started to comment on her post, but then the words and thoughts grew too many.)

I had to put my beloved Tyler the dog down about a year after my Dad died, I think. I loved that old dog. When I sat holding him while he passed from this world, I cried. I wrapped him in a blanket and took him home. It comforts me to know that he came home with me. Of course, I stayed with him through to the end.

He always stayed with me. He sat beside me and comforted me when I was in labor, when no one else was there...when my then-current husband was either at work for the first pregnancy or boffing his girlfriend during my second pregnancy.

Sometimes, a dog seems like a lot of work - the never-ending circle of let me out and let me in over and over - and the constant barking, whining, crying to be included in every aspect of family life. Isn't that like any relationship though? It's work, sometimes harder than you want, but sometimes great fun. Just because the dog is sometimes annoying, irritating, sassy, you don't give up. You can yell at a dog, and he still comes running back to you full of hope and love in his eyes. Maybe some people should just have a dog?

Of course, people who are bad with people might also be bad with dogs. Dogs are practice children. They are responsibility without too much worry. My ex loves my current dog, pets him, plays with him. Too bad for the ex that he hasn't seen Rascal in 14 months. Maybe some people will never understand? Maybe some people shouldn't even have a dog?

My dog gives and gives and gives even more. I love that old dog!

Death and Birth and all between

Well, I imagine that poor Harold is buried by now. He was a son, husband, father, and grandfather, at the young age of 41. I'm tired of seeing young men, lying in a box. It's too sad to see his wife, hugging, crying, begging for emotional comfort. I offered what I could: a hug and my daughter as a babysitter, if she needs. It's so not enough. And that's why I'll pray for her...for the strength she needs to bear it and the strength that she needs to persevere and the strength she needs to feel truly alive again.

Death, as much as I feel for the people closest to those lost, it makes me think of my own life and those in it. Time is slipping faster and faster by. There is so much to do, to be, to live. Should I prioritize? Should I grasp at all of it...the gusto? Should I just appreciate the ebb and flow of my everyday existence? Seek the joy in the simple? Enjoy what people come my way?

Too sad was the despair and ending last night. I needed to teeter-totter it. So, I looked for hope and beginning and found a brand new baby. He smiled, cooed, and made all sorts of baby noises...some not so pleasant. I offered what I could to him and accepted from his expressive eyes the simple, true love of a baby.

I guess how we start out life is how we continue through it. There's struggle in life, in every relationship-no matter how simple or complex, but the love we share during makes it all delightful. I am happy.

Yearning...Bolt or Sun?

Yearning? What makes you yearn for someone? Yearning implies tenderness. But is it physical? Does it hit you like lightning? Or is it the emotional sun rising like a beacon?

That pang, that ache, that want...when the person walks away. That desire to lean toward him as he gets farther away and pull him back toward you. To safety, to make you safe. This pull...this electricity. How do you know if the current runs both ways? Does it strike just one and not the other? What if this strike sets you back or spins you around? Are these feelings real? Are you feeling the lightning just to feel the lightning? Real feelings? Do they come about like the sun rising? Slow, colorful, warm, bright, shiny, breathtaking...

Is yearning a response to a general loneliness? Is it just this specific person? Or could it be any person? I don't remember ever feeling this particular kind of yearning before...ever before. This need to be close, just near him.

When I hear him, I can breathe easier.

When I am near him, I cannot breathe.

That doesn't make sense, but it feels good, right, true.

Is yearning an addiction? I can't seem to get enough. Every bit, I enjoy though. Can you truly be happy with what is offered and not want more? Want what you want?

If I am lucky to get more or even luckier to get enough, will enough be enough? Or will I want something else? Do we always need to yearn? Or is there a satisfaction in having what you have? In loving what you love? In being loved back? Is the grass always greener? Or do I have patience enough to nurture my little corner of the world?

Is this a bolt of lightning that only I can see and feel? Or is it the sun...out there where everyone can see the shine and feel the warmth?

If it ever becomes real, will I bolt like lightning? Or will I be rooted in the soil of love and trust and warmth of the sun?

(I might need a bucket of friends to step in...to keep me still.)

Orange Crush

Ways To Let Go Of An Emotional Love Affair

What is an emotional love affair? An innocent crush. An inappropriate dependence. A dysfunctional replacement. Could be one or all.

(Stuff in ALL CAPS was taken from the link above.)

1.) SCHEDULE YOUR OBSESSING: hahaha! This suggestion is such an oxymoron. Have the author of the original article and the blogger-commentator ever been obsessed? Obviously not. Obsession...you cannot think of anything else. You think/feel it. It encompasses you. How can you turn it off? Even temporarily. The real thing you have to do is put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it hard every time you think of obsession.

2.) REPLACE YOUR CRUSH WITH SOMETHING: Now, distraction is a great route to take. However, what happens when you replace one obsession with an even worse one? What should I do? I've watched every Bones episode. I can read only so much before my eyes fall out. And of course, there's always exercise, but does exercise stop me from thinking about said-obsession? Or does it just give me more time to free my mind from reality and replace with fantasies about what might be nicer?

3.) ACCEPT THAT YOU'RE LONELY: Yes, I'm lonely, and that's why I obsess. Do I really need to be reminded about how lonely I really am when I am seeking help about being so lonely that I have to have an obsession? You are an obsession, you're my obsession. Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me? (Animotion) One is the loneliest number that they'll ever do. (Three Dog Night) I think it's the loneliest number that I'll ever be. And, I'll never be anything but that. Just one. That's acceptance.

4.) IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD: I like this one! ...The adrenaline rush of love, yes, it's basic. It's brain synapsis gone wild. It's your brain's own personal party. It's...My fantasy has turned to madness. All my goodness has turned to badness. (Animotion) When it's turned to badness, I guess it's time for the rubber band snap. But what's really wrong with a fantasy when life is so humdrum. So laundry and vacuum and dishes. Does the fantasy cause you to stop living? Or is it the fantasy that helps you cope with the existing?

5.) WRITE IT OUT: If you're too ashamed to admit to anyone you've lost it so hardcore for someone so utterly uninterested, try a nice, long journal session. Writing out one's emotions has been scientifically proven to help speed up the healing process... Now, this one I like. This is a time-honored way of creatively expressing one's loserness. Put it all out there...Loser it up. Maybe you'll inspire others? Maybe others will say...look at this crazy chick, because I'm not that gone with the wind.

Here's my suggestion for coping with a crush: Get a dollar bill. Walk to a vending machine. Purchase your own crush. I prefer grape, but purple is depressing, and this posting has been bleak enough. So, since orange is a proven happy color, I'll choose an Orange Crush.

He's just not that into me - not a book or a movie, but a life

What if you could take the best of the most influential guys from your past, stir it up, and make a new man? An Iron Man. A Batman? A Superman! No...a Real Man! He's a compilation of at least 4 guys who have impacted you. Are you going to screw it up like you did before? Will he also vanish, vaporize, vamoose?

A boy from high school: a casual friendship that developed over time. Comfortable, safe, chaste. I was myself. We had classes together, but he was older, wiser, calmer. Funny, he made me laugh. When he wanted to move beyond friendship into a relationship, I didn't want to screw up the great friendship. I wasn't ready for more. I was scared. Time? Wait? He got mad and left.

A boy from college: an instantaneous feeling in my heart that warmed me. The moment I saw him walking toward me across Trinity Gardens, I knew that I would marry him. (Okay, you know who this one is, but I am keeping with the theme of anonymity.) My heart skipped a beat. We flirted. Funny, he made me laugh. We became friends and confidantes and dependent upon one another...secure in a future, in forever. An assumption. He lost respect for himself, and I lost respect for him when he stopped believing that I believed in him. He went to hell and left.

A man from work: unavailable at first, disinterested, but over time crush-worthy from afar. Funny, he made me laugh. Respect, his need for understanding and my compassionate ear and sage advice delivered. I should have been more wary, but we tried more for just about a minute. I wasn't ready. I was confused. He got hurt and left.

Another one from work: Exciting, spontaneous, energetic, hard working. Funny, he made me laugh. Knew me better than I knew myself. Could diffuse my anger at just the right time. Could talk me off the proverbial cliff. And then pushed me right over the edge. Too damaged and dysfunctional. He got cocky and left.

Some have wanted to come back. I thought about it. I still think about what might have...moving on. What if I could stir them all up in a pot, remove or revise the damaged parts, put all the good stuff together? I would have:

• someone with whom I could be myself - loud or quiet, glad, sad, mad, or smad.
• someone who made my heart beat faster the moment that I saw him and who would keep it beating that way - in a tie, without a tie, or halfway untied. (That went somewhere I hadn't planned.) A faster beat with just a look, a glance.
  
• someone who earned my respect and likewise respected me. If he makes a mistake, he says sorry, and eh, all is forgiven. No cover ups, no tangled webs.
  
• someone who could balance outrageous antics with tender feelings. Fun, yet snuggly.
  

What would happen if I met that guy? That man with the best attributes/essence of my past men? Will he pull a Casper and ghost away?

If I could add two more essential ingredients, they would be loyalty and commitment. (That narrows the field down to Dogs. Dogs don't leave unless they die, and you can't really hold that against them.) Let's dream though, and get back to the man...If such a man existed, he just wouldn't be that into me.

Would he? What if I was ready? What if I were scared, but he talked me through it? What if it were right and fun? He got me and stayed?

Taming of the Shrew-Mother

Right this second, I am listening to my 14-year-old daughter on the phone. With. A. Boy.

She's calm, cool, collected. She's sweet, yet sincere. She didn't break out in hives and jump up and down, giddy with terrified excitement.

She talked to this boy for more than 5 minutes...maybe even 10 whole minutes! From whom did she learn this talking-to-a-boy skill? Certainly not me. I can't think of things to say for longer than a minute or two. Men shrink away from conversations with me. I'm elephant-headed, spiritual and religious, and a Mom. Most men are liberal, naturalist/spiritualist, hoochy-boys. What would we say to one another?

Of course, before the boy called my daughter, she was trying to figure out what she would say to him when he did call her back. They've been talking for a couple of weeks now. And they have a movie-thing planned for a near-future Friday.

Should I just let this Lucentio-boy wisk away my Bianca-daughter? How do I stand idly by? Should I get her to a nunnery? Should I allow this movie-going? Should I drive her and her friend? Should I let another Mother drive them and show up at the same theater and sit behind them?

What do I do if she sees this boy for a long time? And what will I do when it doesn't work out? Forget about that baby manual that comes out at birth. Where, oh where, is the adolescent enchiridion, the minor manual, or even a juvenile journal? Should I lock her in the hay mow? Perhaps, I should, at least until my Petruchio shows up!

double trouble

What would you do if your friend's abusive husband doubled the life insurance on her?

He is crazy. He's going to make it seem like an accident.

She needs to leave and get far away.

He is controlling, abusive, obsessed. He is really sick.

I'm not sure how she found out about the life insurance, but she's just not safe there.

I truly believe that he would kill her before letting her get a divorce.

He's all about how something looks. He has no substance.

No relationship is better!

I just had a conversation with a friend...on how when you are in a bad relationship, it's hard to see it for yourself.

My friend is in a good relationship. She's happily married. Of course, you all know that I am not in a relationship, at least not a real one with a real man. There's always Joe...he's so dependable...waiting for me in his tank.

Anyway, I have several friends who are in BAD relationships right now. It's hard to hear about them; it's hard to listen to the crying all the time. I think back to when I would call my Mother every night crying, wondering what in the world was going on with my husband and why was he doing the things he was doing. That was 10 years ago...a lifetime ago! I didn't even really know what he was doing at the time. I just knew that he continually hurt my feelings. Why would he do that?

I had another bad relationship. He wants to restart it. There's no way. I'm out of it now and can see that it did neither of us any good the way that it was. There was no abuse or anything like that. It was just dysfunctional.

The better question that I can ask myself now is...why did I put up with it? With the crap from either one?

How can I get my friends to see this, to realize that they do NOT have to put up with it.

One friend is married. She is constantly belittled by her controlling, abusive husband. He's slowly, but surely killing her spirit.

One friend...I just read about in the newspaper! No names were mentioned, but I'm sure that it's her. Domestic assault...there is no excuse. Get out. Get out of that shit now! Why would you want to be with someone like that when you could be content with yourself? And she made excuses for him. Why? Where there is so much smoke, there is fire.

Hindsight is clear. Wake up! Pretend to be out of the relationship. Wake up and look at what
you're allowing to happen to yourself. Would you want your child, your sibling, your niece, your friend in a relationship like yours? NO!

Your body is a temple. Your mind...your soul...take care.

Relationships are taking care of one another. If he is not taking care with you, he is NOT worth it. He needs to care for every part of you. He needs to treasure you. We are all Princesses. If he is not Prince material, kick his butt to the curb.

I met a woman a couple of weeks ago at an event. Her husband is cheating on her. They have two young children. (Sound familiar?) He is still living at home, and she is still cooking for him and doing his laundry. NO! NO! NO! No way! Out, damn spot! OUT! He is not taking care of her; he is disrespecting her. She owes him nothing. This is not mutual. Put (some of) his clothes in a garbage bag and put it on the stoop! He is a parasite. You may have loved him once, but he is no longer that good person. He is Kafka's cockroach. He changed.

This life is about building up one another. If he is tearing you down, you do NOT need him.

No one looks forward to a relationship ending. We grow up dreaming about a marriage that lasts forever. Well, it takes two, baby! It takes two!

It takes two, and it takes two who lovingly, adoringly work at it.

Last week, I went to a graduation party. (Weddings have the same effect on me.) Might as well call them Noah's Arks. Everyone is paired off...and then there's Maude! No, that's not right. hehe. And then there's me...ALONE. It's not easy. It sometimes makes me sad. But I have other relationships. I have family who would never desert me. I have friends who think I am wonderful. Until I meet a man who can meet those requirements, yes, requirements, I don't need to bother with jerks. I am a wonderful woman. I deserve a wonderful man.

These wonderful women that I mentioned all deserve better.

Magnets

Why is it that what I push away...I attract?

It was always that way. It's like he could feel me pulling away, forgetting, moving on, whatever it was, and that's when he would reach out, pull, or cajole.

Over the last few years, I've deleted thousands and thousands of emails. Just a few nights ago, I finally deleted his cell number from my mobile phone. I deleted him.

So, today, he emails and calls.

So, why didn't his engagement work out? He says it's my fault. Ha!

It's really his insecurity and her insecurity. A matching set of baggage. It had nothing to do with me. They pushed themselves apart. Two of the exact same magnets who pushed apart.

Not me...deleted.

Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'

People think that I don't like to hug. I love to hug.

If I were to cry, why would I want a hug? A hug would make me feel weak and make me cry harder...if I wasn't ready for it.

If I were in the privacy of my own home with someone I trusted or a hunky dude, then a hug would be good. My ex-dysfunction used to give me shoulder-time when I was upset. I liked shoulder-time. I loved it. I miss it. I'd like shoulder-time with a new man. Tenderness.

When my Dad walked me down the aisle, he patted my hand the whole way. I'm not sure if he was nervous or thought I was. Affection.

When my Dad died, I still remember the hugs from family and friends. I can still feel them, physically feel their arms around me. Comfort.

I get/give friendly hugs from/to friends I've known for 25 years. Those are nice. I trust those hugs. Trust.

The hugs when my Sister and her family are leaving after a visit are a way to hold onto them until the next visit. Kalli squeezes. Tyler pats my back. When I try to think of the description of my sister's hug, it hurts too much for words. Commitment.

I hug my daughters. True Love.

Today at work, some guy was talking to me and another woman. He said something about giving out free foot rubs, but how I wouldn't want one, because I don't like to be touched. Dude! What the French, Toast?

If anything, I tend to crave sensory input, like Sophie does. I love to get massages, manicures, pedicures. I'm not ticklish. I love to get my feet rubbed. I have a bumpy footstool at work so that I can take my shoes off and rub my own socked feet. It's a great stress-reliever.

However, to the point, and of course, I make light of it, because that's what I do. If some hottie were to give me a hug out of the blue when I was unprepared, I'd probably implode. Don't tease a girl with a sip of water when there's no well in sight. Seriously, I'd probably melt to the ground and cry in want of someone to hold me.

Match: a spark or a burn?

Okay, after talking with my friend Lynne last week, I put my profile on a match site. (Don't tell my Mom!) My friend met a man in September on there, and he proposed on New Year's Eve. Not that I am looking for a quick husband, just someone suitable to date. Someone who sparks my interest? Anyone? Anyone out there? I am already considering removing the profile due to lack of response. Although I realize no dude (or even a dud) is going to start anything the week or two before V-day, I thought that I'd get some hits from places closer than IL or CA. (The IL guy was very suitable other than location.) Of course, tonight I spoke with another friend, who goes through drama after drama with guys she's met online. I just don't think that the drama is worth it. I am happy with me. My life is full with (and busier than busy with) my children, my family, my friends, my job, my faith. Do I really want another idiot to waste my time with unfulfilled promises that leave me burned? Or maybe it's possible that the next man I meet will be the one that lights my fire?

Relationships: Right or Right?

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct. - Benjamin Disraeli

Some people just like to argue for arguing's sake. If everyone involved is okay with this, than it's great fun, like a debate, flirting, foreplay.

However, sometimes the easy, criticial way is abuse. No matter what the abused says or does, the abuser criticizes and belittles. Is it a cycle? More than likely the abuser was also abused in a previous relationship, maybe by a parent or a spouse. I say, grow up and break the cycle. Why would making someone else feel bad make yourself feel better? How do people not see that they are doing that? That they are creating sadness, madness, badness.

It is hard to see this happening to a friend. To see her beaten emotionally and mentally down until she has little self-confidence or self-esteem left. To see her stress levels so high that she is at the brink of tears at all times.

Relationships are not about being right or wrong, but being right. Right is trusting, building up, loving. Having faith in one another is goodness.

Hannah's Narrative Poem

Hannah needed to write a narrative poem for English class - due tomorrow. I'm so proud of her! Here it is...(If you'd like an oral rendition, I'd be happy to give a reading as her proxy.)

Mother is on the phone.
Grandmother is there.
Mother is crying.
The girl is where?

The girl is upstairs
In her parents’ room.
Grandmother finds the girl.
In a sad gloom.

The girl wants her blanket.
She tells her Grandmother.
Grandmother says to wait.
Not to bother.

Grandmother doesn’t understand.
The girl was just making it up
To go and see her Mother.
Just to see what’s up.

Again, the girl said
She wanted her blanket;
That Grandmother could stay there,
And the girl would go and get it.

Grandma went instead.
And the girl followed.
Where she learned
Her Dad is dead.

Not really dead,
But only gone.
No longer coming home,
But out with Dawn.

Years passed
and time flew.
Life is better!
Who knew?

And the really funny thing is...when she was in the middle of the 7th stanza, she was trying to think of something that rhymed with gone. So, we started rhyming, and she said, Dawn. I burst out laughing. Dawn really is the name of the proverbial other woman! I am still laughing!

Forfeiting ourselves to be like others?

We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people. ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

In movies, on television, within songs, in books and newspapers and blogs, we read and hear and see about other people and what they have and what they've done. Does this mean that we covet those attributes and accomplishments? I think not neccessarily.

These things we do can be ways to connect to others. We read and watch to learn about others, to learn to connect with others. The world is not supposed to be a self-centered place, but an other-centered arena. Once we get the hang of that by understanding others, we can become more about others. The learning process takes longer for some than for others.

In make-believe, we learn methods of communication and dealing. It makes us who we are, more of who we are, not less like we are, but to be truly who we are. In reality, we can decide if there's a learned attribute that we would like or we would not like. The quote above could very well also say that we forfeit a part of ourselves NOT to be like other people, but to show others a better way. Giving and taking, taking and giving. That's connecting, a relationship of sorts.

What can we do and say for one another? We can be the best person that we can be. We don't forfeit ourselves in order to be like other people, but we may temporarily forfeit a part of ourselves for the sake of another person. That is the life of a person.