monotony and chaos

Ever feel like everyone else is out having fun and you're trapped in a hell of monotony and chaos?

Ever cry uncontrollably because you cannot manage to do the same thing over and over and over again?

It's not just doing the dishes every day. It's washing dishes, having the phone ring, leaving the kitchen to answer the phone, returning to find dirty dishes mixed with the clean ones drying.

It's not just the laundry. It's doing the laundry, only to find piles and piles more on your daughter's floor.

It's not just sweeping the floor. It's sweeping the floor, leaving the room for 5 minutes, and returning to find half a box of Special K on the floor and the rest on the table.

Get Motivated...to deal with past heartache

On the way to a Get Motivated seminar, the most innocent thing can cause such despair and pain and loss. But there is a place and time to feel those things and deal with those feelings. So, I made a deal then...with myself. Hold it in. Contain it. Push it down. Deal later. Dealing now...

I spent an afternoon at the corner of Jolly and Hagadorn Roads with that red barn some 12 years ago. Then, it was an antique dealer. It might still be, but I couldn't look that way for long this week. Just a glance brought back so much. It filled me up until my eyes were wet and I spoke softly.

Just about a year before Sophie arrived, I miscarried. It was "just" a blighted ovum, but she was also my child, and I had hopes and dreams for her. She has a name; I gave her Regan. Regan means regal or royal, and she seemed to be in a hurry to get to the Kingdom of God. So, it worked.

After the doctor appointment where she was removed from my aching heart, my husband (at that time) took me to that antique store on the corner there to take my mind off things. I wandered around, looking around, not seeing anything, but trying to mend the hole in my heart.

Although the sadness of that day doesn't overwhelm me now when I think about it, because without that baby turning into my angel then, I would not have my Sophie now! I know that she is the guardian angel for my two earth angels. But...being there, at that place where I felt so much sadness, even just driving by it, caught me off guard and filled me with the despair of that Autumn day almost 12 years ago.

I didn't want to go by again...thanks to the driver for understanding, for accommodating me without question. We didn't go by again. I didn't want to feel that way. No one should.

Wealth and Waste

I have always told my daughters how rich we are in the ways that really count. We have one another. We have family who loves and holds us up when we need. However, after visiting the Dominican Republic and driving through the countryside, I am ashamed of my own gluttony and wastefulness.

Here I was on the way from a beautiful, all-inclusive resort to a zipline adventure, something totally extravagant, and I was passing homes with outhouses. I call them homes, but others might call them shacks. Our chicken coop is probably a little nicer than a few of these homes.

When I first saw some of the living conditions, I wanted to cry for them. How could they live like that? But the real question is...how could I live like that?

They are not shacks; they are homes. I do not presume to think that the families who live there are in anyway unhappy or unsatisfied with what they have.

I saw children in their school uniforms. I saw churches. I saw people congregating. I saw families together.

Just like here, there are some who are better off than others. Just like here, they make choices in how they live, and they are happy or sad.

I also saw gas stations, which consisted of gallon jugs filled with gas, sitting on a makeshift table. This works for them. However, how many times have I wished for a full-service station? What a luxury that would be.

I saw children chasing the bus to get the quarters that someone generously threw. I wish that I had thought to bring money for the children. What a treat for any small child anywhere! Anywhere? Maybe not here. How many times have I seen people walk by a coin on the sidewalk? Me...I pick it up if I see it. But, there are many who wouldn't bother. How many times have I wasted a quarter on some silly, stupid, extravagant thing though? Isn't that the same thing? Wasting something and just throwing it away?

I saw simplicity there. I surround myself with things here. To somehow complete me? To give me comfort? To make life easier? These things are silly and stupid. I am ashamed of myself.

I feel lost. I thought I knew myself. I thought I was a good person.

I am a wasteful, silly, spoiled girl.

cry-i-i-i-ng over you...

Roy Orbison sang it best. He sang about unrequited love or love gone bad. I feel it tonight, but differently. I cry for the love of family...missing by distance or in pain.

Hannah is off today for a week up north with a friend and her friend's family. I cried after I dropped her off at 1:30 p.m. I cried again when she first sent me a text at 6:37 p.m. And I cried just now at 9:42 p.m. when she sent another text that they had arrived at their destination. That does it...I'm going back to college when she goes.

My Mother is in the hospital tonight. I held it together on Thursday during the long day of prepping for surgery and recovery, but when I got in my jeep to leave the hospital after she was safely admitted into her room, I cried, gasping for the cool night air to bring me the will to keep going. Later that night after I got home, I cried as the adrenaline was gone, and the relief just washed over me. It's very hard to see the person who has always taken care of you, someone with beauty and grace and strength in more ways than she would ever admit, in such a helpless position.

I feel so splintered.

Little girls...make me want to cry

Sophie got a haircut last week. She did not cry or scream for the first time in years.
I want to cry.



















Sophie went to church with me for the 6th week in a row.
I want to cry.

Sophie covered her mouth when she yawned.
I want to cry.

Sophie did not cry during or after her shower.
I want to cry.

Hannah also got a haircut, and she looks 16 years old!
I want to cry.