Uncle Harold...It was time.

Uncle Harold passed away sometime before 5 a.m. (It was time.) When my Mother called to tell me, I knew what the early morning call was. Fr. Bill was there last night to provide Last Rites. I am glad that he was able to make it on Ash Wednesday.

I stopped to visit Uncle Harold yesterday for just about 5 minutes or so. It seemed like a long time. It was strange that his chair in the living room was empty. He couldn't get out of bed yesterday. For a lifetime gentleman farmer not to get out of bed in the morning, you know something is different. I met two Hospice workers and his caregiver, and my Mom and my Aunt were there.

I didn't have much time. (It was time.)

In his home hospital bed, Uncle Harold was curled on his right side facing the wall...to the north. My Mom started to tell me that Fr. Bill would be coming and something that the Hospice ladies had said. Uncle Harold "said" something. It was audibly something between a mumble and a grunt, but I knew it had to have been something witty. He had humor to the end. I said to him, "Oh, it's all right," and he quieted. He could hear us; I know it.

When the Hospice workers were getting ready to go, my Mom left the room to see them out.

I had some things to say, but I could not say it all. I have always been cheerful and entertaining with Uncle Harold. I did not want him to hear the tears in my voice. I leaned over Uncle Harold and whispered, "I love you, Uncle Harold, I love you." His change in breathing and physical reaction told me that he heard. I said that I couldn't stay, that Soph was in the Jeep waiting to go to music, and I started for the door. Then I turned around, touched his shoulder, and said, "We will meet again." He relaxed.

You see, for years, when I left a visit, I would say, "See you later!" and he would retort, "Are you sure?"

Uncle Harold is 96 years old. Or is that was now? (It was time.)

He was 52 years old when I was born. I am 44. He lived a whole lifetime before I knew him, and then he lived another.

I remember...

...him throwing me up into the air and catching me.
...standing over the heat register at the Farm.
...swerving toward me in his truck when I was walking down the road.
...driving the tractor while I sat on the wheel fender.
...standing in my Mom's living room doorway every night around 6 p.m. for a visit.
...him jumping out of the red International truck to pick up rocks while I "drove" it.
...ushering for years with my Dad at church.
...living next door for as long as I can remember.
...his calm, his wit, his laughter.

He was a good, gentle, sweet man.

I might seem like a good niece. I would once in a while stop and visit him in the morning before I would go to work. But in reality, I was stopping for me. He was so funny, so calm, had such a sweet demeanor. He would, without trying or even knowing, give me a better attitude, a happier start to my day when perhaps I was feeling overwhelmed or angry about something in my life.

What else I wanted to say, but could not: I have fond memories of you, and I will remember you, and I will miss you. But...

(It was time.)

Purple beads

Dear friend,

I've been thinking of you! I'm sorry that things perhaps are not going the way that you want and hope right now. When things get particularly tough, just remember to take a moment to thank God for all that He has given you, for that act of kindness when your day is going rough, or the memory of a you and a friend, or the sound of your children laughing. It is in these simple things that I can sometimes find the strength I need.

Last Saturday night, I took Sophie to the grocery store. Actually, she demanded it. She didn't pick out too many snacks, and so I knew she was really focused on getting to the frozen food aisle. I dread that row that encases those delightful ice creams. I try to get Sophie out of Polly's with no more than one container. She went straight for the plastic bag full of serving-size-vanillas. Then, I said, "just one" over and over, as I try to block her path, but am always fearful that her 165-pounds will go right through a glass door. While I am picturing in my frazzled head what I will do if she is surrounded by broken shards of glass, she slides behind me for the rectangle of pistachio, which I don't think she even really likes, but favors the color green right now. "Just one, just one," I repeat. Deaf ears! She wants and grabs a round quart of vanilla. I manage to return the vanilla quart without a major tantrum, which can include throwing herself to the floor. I can no longer pick her up, and so I do what I can so that I don't have to try. I grab her arm and hurry her down and around the corner. We pick up milk, bread, yogurt, and then I think..."How will I ever get her back past the frozen aisle to the check-out lane?" Out of the corner of my eye, I see that someone...something has caught Sophie's attention. The most beautiful sight! There was my friend's sister...your sister...with the most sparkly purple and gold mardi gras beads wrapped around her neck. Ice cream...no more! Sophie had eyes only for those purple beads. (Purple is also one of her favorite colors right now too.) Your sister was gracious enough to give Sophie a strand of her purple beads, even before the words had been said, "Hi, Sophie really likes your beads...the purple ones." Sophie was laughing at her twirling purple before we checked out...more ice cream forgotten!

Her act of kindness and Sophie's laughter eased my trip to the store, but it is the love I have for friends like you when I think of you, when I see your family, that gives me strength and reminds me of all that God has given me...my family and friends.

Anyway, I have been thinking of you. If you need anything, you just need to say.

Love, Mary

Get Motivated...to deal with past heartache

On the way to a Get Motivated seminar, the most innocent thing can cause such despair and pain and loss. But there is a place and time to feel those things and deal with those feelings. So, I made a deal then...with myself. Hold it in. Contain it. Push it down. Deal later. Dealing now...

I spent an afternoon at the corner of Jolly and Hagadorn Roads with that red barn some 12 years ago. Then, it was an antique dealer. It might still be, but I couldn't look that way for long this week. Just a glance brought back so much. It filled me up until my eyes were wet and I spoke softly.

Just about a year before Sophie arrived, I miscarried. It was "just" a blighted ovum, but she was also my child, and I had hopes and dreams for her. She has a name; I gave her Regan. Regan means regal or royal, and she seemed to be in a hurry to get to the Kingdom of God. So, it worked.

After the doctor appointment where she was removed from my aching heart, my husband (at that time) took me to that antique store on the corner there to take my mind off things. I wandered around, looking around, not seeing anything, but trying to mend the hole in my heart.

Although the sadness of that day doesn't overwhelm me now when I think about it, because without that baby turning into my angel then, I would not have my Sophie now! I know that she is the guardian angel for my two earth angels. But...being there, at that place where I felt so much sadness, even just driving by it, caught me off guard and filled me with the despair of that Autumn day almost 12 years ago.

I didn't want to go by again...thanks to the driver for understanding, for accommodating me without question. We didn't go by again. I didn't want to feel that way. No one should.

Free Will

God’s greatest gift to us is free will. However, we also have a responsibility to take care of others. We need to make decisions not based upon just our own wants and needs. We have to use our free will to make good decisions for those who will be directly and indirectly affected by our decisions.

There are consequences to our actions.

Consequences beyond our knowledge.

Free will is not an excuse for others to use to get away from blame. You cannot hurt someone or abuse her, and blame it on her free will. The blame is still on the abuser. The abuser needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Why don't people learn this from others? Why do some people need to experience this before they understand it? Why do some people never understand?

Where is Chastity? Temperance? Charity? Diligence? Kindness? and Humility?

Free will is not an excuse to live otherwise. To ignore these 7 virtues by saying you have a free will is to choose to live your life of lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. We know where that will get you. So, if I cannot persuade you or show you that free will is not your right but your responsibility, what should I do? Keep trying to save your soul, or use your definition of "free will" and give up?

Simple Words = Prayer

My friend Lynne sent me these words in an email message. I found them moving enough to post here:

~~~
To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
~~~

Sometimes, simple words can create a prayer.

Autism and Vaccines

I don't usually blog too much about autism. I live it every day. So, when I write, I write to escape. However, a friend of mine asked me about vaccines and autism. Here is my reply...

Never get "caught up" on vaccines. Do not even follow the schedule. I tell my friends to have one shot at a time done on their babies.

Both my girls had multiple shots done at once. I trusted the doctor and the medical industry. Bad idea. In my gut, it felt wrong. I should have known it was stupid.

Why, oh why, would anyone choose to give a kid all of those diseases at once? That's what's happening! Can a body handle a little bit of polio, diphtheria, measles, and others all at once? Hell no! It's common sense. Take it slow. One shot at a time. Let the kid recover. If the baby does have a reaction, how would the doctors know from which shot? We take our time and introduce one new food at a time, but we inject them with terrible diseases all at once? Common sense says no. Do not let the doctors shame you into anything.

The medical community means well, but they are brainwashed into thinking whatever is commonly taught. Do I think that the doctor who administered the 4 vaccines at once into Sophie wanted to harm her? No. I think that the doctor was trying to keep her safe, but the doctor was misinformed and passed that misinformation along to me.

Do I think that the medical industry needs to change their tune about vaccines? Yes! I use the word industry, because it's the businesspeople running the big pharmacy companies who are lobbying and persuading and buying the idiots who announce that vaccines are safe for all in the way that they are recommending.

The medical community needs to promote one shot at a time. Will it be inconvenient for parents to take their kids to the doctors more often? Yes. Will doctors be busier than they already are? Yes. Will insurance companies be happy? No. Is the inconvenience to parents and doctors worth it? YES!

I live it. I live everyday wanting and wishing and hoping and having faith and expecting miracles that my baby girl will talk to me, that she'll be able to care for herself one day, that she'll be able to let the world know what she's thinking and feeling. And now my heart is breaking with each tear I cry for her, for me, for anyone who knows and loves a child with autism.

Match: a spark or a burn?

Okay, after talking with my friend Lynne last week, I put my profile on a match site. (Don't tell my Mom!) My friend met a man in September on there, and he proposed on New Year's Eve. Not that I am looking for a quick husband, just someone suitable to date. Someone who sparks my interest? Anyone? Anyone out there? I am already considering removing the profile due to lack of response. Although I realize no dude (or even a dud) is going to start anything the week or two before V-day, I thought that I'd get some hits from places closer than IL or CA. (The IL guy was very suitable other than location.) Of course, tonight I spoke with another friend, who goes through drama after drama with guys she's met online. I just don't think that the drama is worth it. I am happy with me. My life is full with (and busier than busy with) my children, my family, my friends, my job, my faith. Do I really want another idiot to waste my time with unfulfilled promises that leave me burned? Or maybe it's possible that the next man I meet will be the one that lights my fire?

Relationships: Right or Right?

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct. - Benjamin Disraeli

Some people just like to argue for arguing's sake. If everyone involved is okay with this, than it's great fun, like a debate, flirting, foreplay.

However, sometimes the easy, criticial way is abuse. No matter what the abused says or does, the abuser criticizes and belittles. Is it a cycle? More than likely the abuser was also abused in a previous relationship, maybe by a parent or a spouse. I say, grow up and break the cycle. Why would making someone else feel bad make yourself feel better? How do people not see that they are doing that? That they are creating sadness, madness, badness.

It is hard to see this happening to a friend. To see her beaten emotionally and mentally down until she has little self-confidence or self-esteem left. To see her stress levels so high that she is at the brink of tears at all times.

Relationships are not about being right or wrong, but being right. Right is trusting, building up, loving. Having faith in one another is goodness.