A boy from high school: a casual friendship that developed over time. Comfortable, safe, chaste. I was myself. We had classes together, but he was older, wiser, calmer. Funny, he made me laugh. When he wanted to move beyond friendship into a relationship, I didn't want to screw up the great friendship. I wasn't ready for more. I was scared. Time? Wait? He got mad and left.
A boy from college: an instantaneous feeling in my heart that warmed me. The moment I saw him walking toward me across Trinity Gardens, I knew that I would marry him. (Okay, you know who this one is, but I am keeping with the theme of anonymity.) My heart skipped a beat. We flirted. Funny, he made me laugh. We became friends and confidantes and dependent upon one another...secure in a future, in forever. An assumption. He lost respect for himself, and I lost respect for him when he stopped believing that I believed in him. He went to hell and left.
A man from work: unavailable at first, disinterested, but over time crush-worthy from afar. Funny, he made me laugh. Respect, his need for understanding and my compassionate ear and sage advice delivered. I should have been more wary, but we tried more for just about a minute. I wasn't ready. I was confused. He got hurt and left.
Another one from work: Exciting, spontaneous, energetic, hard working. Funny, he made me laugh. Knew me better than I knew myself. Could diffuse my anger at just the right time. Could talk me off the proverbial cliff. And then pushed me right over the edge. Too damaged and dysfunctional. He got cocky and left.
Some have wanted to come back. I thought about it. I still think about what might have...moving on. What if I could stir them all up in a pot, remove or revise the damaged parts, put all the good stuff together? I would have:
- someone with whom I could be myself - loud or quiet, glad, sad, mad, or smad.
- someone who made my heart beat faster the moment that I saw him and who would keep it beating that way - in a tie, without a tie, or halfway untied. (That went somewhere I hadn't planned.) A faster beat with just a look, a glance.
- someone who earned my respect and likewise respected me. If he makes a mistake, he says sorry, and eh, all is forgiven. No cover ups, no tangled webs.
- someone who could balance outrageous antics with tender feelings. Fun, yet snuggly.
If I could add two more essential ingredients, they would be loyalty and commitment. (That narrows the field down to Dogs. Dogs don't leave unless they die, and you can't really hold that against them.) Let's dream though, and get back to the man...If such a man existed, he just wouldn't be that into me.
Would he? What if I was ready? What if I were scared, but he talked me through it? What if it were right and fun? He got me and stayed?
1 comment:
Oh, how I love that. I thhnk we all have those handful of men in our life that we could jsut mix together. I also have 4 and they would most definitely make the perfect man for me.
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