My Dad would have been 83 years old tomorrow. He died a little less than 10 years ago. He's been absent 23% of my life, and yet I miss him terribly. He was a huge part of my Sophie's life, and yet she's just 11 years old. How can that be? I think of her as a baby, and I see her in his arms. I think about how different certain things would be if he were still around. Would Sophie be able to talk? Would Hannah be happier...feel a little less abandoned by her idiot father with her Grandpa's arms wrapped around her? Would my Mom have it a little easier? Would holidays be a little more, well...more? I am sad.
I miss him...
when I drive north up Lima Center from Scio Church at night, the route he sometimes took home from work at midnight.
when I see an usher at church struggle slightly when rising from genuflecting.
when I pull into my Mom's driveway, I can still see him carrying an old coffee can full of chicken feed over to the hen house.
when I fix anything with duct tape or a paper clip!
stew, pancakes, rhubarb, or asparagus
when Hannah wears the red Gap sweatshirt I bought for him.
coffee and donuts after Sunday Mass
word searches and solitaire
the way he patted my hand
I can see him sitting at the kitchen table with his funny glasses at the end of his nose and his old ratty white undershirt and too small sweatpants and his crazy uncombed hair.
damn...I miss that old man.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Christmas 2009
Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveler, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home! ~ Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, 1836
I find that quote particularly appropriate this Christmas since I feel young at heart even though my children are growing up and when so many friends and family are not in the area to celebrate with us on this Christmas Day. I thank God for all who are within reach at this time and also for those in our hearts!
May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,
The gladness of Christmas give you hope,
The warmth of Christmas grant you love.
~Author Unknown
Another busy year at work with another new territory to explore, and I expect the same to be true in 2010 as well. Last January, I traveled to sunny San Diego and plan to go to Orlando next month for a couple of days. These work trips are inside conference rooms without any time for fun out and about. Last Spring though, I was lucky enough to travel to Punta Cana with my Sister and some great people from work for an all-fun trip! Too many great activities to list, but Michelle is a great zip-liner, and I am a great beach-lounger!
Hannah has jumped right into 9th grade…high school! Busy, busy. She’s joined the workforce with a couple of great babysitting gigs. She babysat last night, spent the night at a friend’s, went to the bakery to listen to my friends sing Christmas songs this morning, went skating with friends at the ice rink in the afternoon, attended Mass with Grandma, and will babysit again later tonight. Hannah plans to play soccer in the Spring, and looks forward to some pre-season coaching from a friend of mine. So far, she has taken a different art class each term and is thinking of a career in the art field. Maybe she’ll attend Siena like her Mom & Aunt? Whatever she decides to do, she’ll be amazing!
Sophie is loving 6th grade. Some mornings, she pulls me along, while she runs down the sidewalk and across the street to the school. She swims 4 days a school-week when possible and loves the water. Still no words on a regular basis, but in November, Sophie said "Love Mama." Hannah heard it too! Who knows if Sophie will ever say it again, but it was truly music to my ears and in my heart. Sophie’s current favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. I think because of all the swimming and singing and that Ariel gets her voice back! She plays that part over and over again.
Happy, happy Christmas! May Christmas bring you spirit of peace, gladness of hope, and warmth of love that lasts through the New Year!
Love, Mary, Hannah, Sophie, and Rascal too!
I find that quote particularly appropriate this Christmas since I feel young at heart even though my children are growing up and when so many friends and family are not in the area to celebrate with us on this Christmas Day. I thank God for all who are within reach at this time and also for those in our hearts!
May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,
The gladness of Christmas give you hope,
The warmth of Christmas grant you love.
~Author Unknown
Another busy year at work with another new territory to explore, and I expect the same to be true in 2010 as well. Last January, I traveled to sunny San Diego and plan to go to Orlando next month for a couple of days. These work trips are inside conference rooms without any time for fun out and about. Last Spring though, I was lucky enough to travel to Punta Cana with my Sister and some great people from work for an all-fun trip! Too many great activities to list, but Michelle is a great zip-liner, and I am a great beach-lounger!
Hannah has jumped right into 9th grade…high school! Busy, busy. She’s joined the workforce with a couple of great babysitting gigs. She babysat last night, spent the night at a friend’s, went to the bakery to listen to my friends sing Christmas songs this morning, went skating with friends at the ice rink in the afternoon, attended Mass with Grandma, and will babysit again later tonight. Hannah plans to play soccer in the Spring, and looks forward to some pre-season coaching from a friend of mine. So far, she has taken a different art class each term and is thinking of a career in the art field. Maybe she’ll attend Siena like her Mom & Aunt? Whatever she decides to do, she’ll be amazing!
Sophie is loving 6th grade. Some mornings, she pulls me along, while she runs down the sidewalk and across the street to the school. She swims 4 days a school-week when possible and loves the water. Still no words on a regular basis, but in November, Sophie said "Love Mama." Hannah heard it too! Who knows if Sophie will ever say it again, but it was truly music to my ears and in my heart. Sophie’s current favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. I think because of all the swimming and singing and that Ariel gets her voice back! She plays that part over and over again.
Happy, happy Christmas! May Christmas bring you spirit of peace, gladness of hope, and warmth of love that lasts through the New Year!
Love, Mary, Hannah, Sophie, and Rascal too!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Purple beads
Dear friend,
I've been thinking of you! I'm sorry that things perhaps are not going the way that you want and hope right now. When things get particularly tough, just remember to take a moment to thank God for all that He has given you, for that act of kindness when your day is going rough, or the memory of a you and a friend, or the sound of your children laughing. It is in these simple things that I can sometimes find the strength I need.
Last Saturday night, I took Sophie to the grocery store. Actually, she demanded it. She didn't pick out too many snacks, and so I knew she was really focused on getting to the frozen food aisle. I dread that row that encases those delightful ice creams. I try to get Sophie out of Polly's with no more than one container. She went straight for the plastic bag full of serving-size-vanillas. Then, I said, "just one" over and over, as I try to block her path, but am always fearful that her 165-pounds will go right through a glass door. While I am picturing in my frazzled head what I will do if she is surrounded by broken shards of glass, she slides behind me for the rectangle of pistachio, which I don't think she even really likes, but favors the color green right now. "Just one, just one," I repeat. Deaf ears! She wants and grabs a round quart of vanilla. I manage to return the vanilla quart without a major tantrum, which can include throwing herself to the floor. I can no longer pick her up, and so I do what I can so that I don't have to try. I grab her arm and hurry her down and around the corner. We pick up milk, bread, yogurt, and then I think..."How will I ever get her back past the frozen aisle to the check-out lane?" Out of the corner of my eye, I see that someone...something has caught Sophie's attention. The most beautiful sight! There was my friend's sister...your sister...with the most sparkly purple and gold mardi gras beads wrapped around her neck. Ice cream...no more! Sophie had eyes only for those purple beads. (Purple is also one of her favorite colors right now too.) Your sister was gracious enough to give Sophie a strand of her purple beads, even before the words had been said, "Hi, Sophie really likes your beads...the purple ones." Sophie was laughing at her twirling purple before we checked out...more ice cream forgotten!
Her act of kindness and Sophie's laughter eased my trip to the store, but it is the love I have for friends like you when I think of you, when I see your family, that gives me strength and reminds me of all that God has given me...my family and friends.
Anyway, I have been thinking of you. If you need anything, you just need to say.
Love, Mary
I've been thinking of you! I'm sorry that things perhaps are not going the way that you want and hope right now. When things get particularly tough, just remember to take a moment to thank God for all that He has given you, for that act of kindness when your day is going rough, or the memory of a you and a friend, or the sound of your children laughing. It is in these simple things that I can sometimes find the strength I need.
Last Saturday night, I took Sophie to the grocery store. Actually, she demanded it. She didn't pick out too many snacks, and so I knew she was really focused on getting to the frozen food aisle. I dread that row that encases those delightful ice creams. I try to get Sophie out of Polly's with no more than one container. She went straight for the plastic bag full of serving-size-vanillas. Then, I said, "just one" over and over, as I try to block her path, but am always fearful that her 165-pounds will go right through a glass door. While I am picturing in my frazzled head what I will do if she is surrounded by broken shards of glass, she slides behind me for the rectangle of pistachio, which I don't think she even really likes, but favors the color green right now. "Just one, just one," I repeat. Deaf ears! She wants and grabs a round quart of vanilla. I manage to return the vanilla quart without a major tantrum, which can include throwing herself to the floor. I can no longer pick her up, and so I do what I can so that I don't have to try. I grab her arm and hurry her down and around the corner. We pick up milk, bread, yogurt, and then I think..."How will I ever get her back past the frozen aisle to the check-out lane?" Out of the corner of my eye, I see that someone...something has caught Sophie's attention. The most beautiful sight! There was my friend's sister...your sister...with the most sparkly purple and gold mardi gras beads wrapped around her neck. Ice cream...no more! Sophie had eyes only for those purple beads. (Purple is also one of her favorite colors right now too.) Your sister was gracious enough to give Sophie a strand of her purple beads, even before the words had been said, "Hi, Sophie really likes your beads...the purple ones." Sophie was laughing at her twirling purple before we checked out...more ice cream forgotten!
Her act of kindness and Sophie's laughter eased my trip to the store, but it is the love I have for friends like you when I think of you, when I see your family, that gives me strength and reminds me of all that God has given me...my family and friends.
Anyway, I have been thinking of you. If you need anything, you just need to say.
Love, Mary
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sometimes, a dog is just a dog, and sometimes not
(My friend just got a new dog, and she blogged about memories and the way this new dog stirs her. I started to comment on her post, but then the words and thoughts grew too many.)
I had to put my beloved Tyler the dog down about a year after my Dad died, I think. I loved that old dog. When I sat holding him while he passed from this world, I cried. I wrapped him in a blanket and took him home. It comforts me to know that he came home with me. Of course, I stayed with him through to the end.
He always stayed with me. He sat beside me and comforted me when I was in labor, when no one else was there...when my then-current husband was either at work for the first pregnancy or boffing his girlfriend during my second pregnancy.
Sometimes, a dog seems like a lot of work - the never-ending circle of let me out and let me in over and over - and the constant barking, whining, crying to be included in every aspect of family life. Isn't that like any relationship though? It's work, sometimes harder than you want, but sometimes great fun. Just because the dog is sometimes annoying, irritating, sassy, you don't give up. You can yell at a dog, and he still comes running back to you full of hope and love in his eyes. Maybe some people should just have a dog?
Of course, people who are bad with people might also be bad with dogs. Dogs are practice children. They are responsibility without too much worry. My ex loves my current dog, pets him, plays with him. Too bad for the ex that he hasn't seen Rascal in 14 months. Maybe some people will never understand? Maybe some people shouldn't even have a dog?
My dog gives and gives and gives even more. I love that old dog!
I had to put my beloved Tyler the dog down about a year after my Dad died, I think. I loved that old dog. When I sat holding him while he passed from this world, I cried. I wrapped him in a blanket and took him home. It comforts me to know that he came home with me. Of course, I stayed with him through to the end.
He always stayed with me. He sat beside me and comforted me when I was in labor, when no one else was there...when my then-current husband was either at work for the first pregnancy or boffing his girlfriend during my second pregnancy.
Sometimes, a dog seems like a lot of work - the never-ending circle of let me out and let me in over and over - and the constant barking, whining, crying to be included in every aspect of family life. Isn't that like any relationship though? It's work, sometimes harder than you want, but sometimes great fun. Just because the dog is sometimes annoying, irritating, sassy, you don't give up. You can yell at a dog, and he still comes running back to you full of hope and love in his eyes. Maybe some people should just have a dog?
Of course, people who are bad with people might also be bad with dogs. Dogs are practice children. They are responsibility without too much worry. My ex loves my current dog, pets him, plays with him. Too bad for the ex that he hasn't seen Rascal in 14 months. Maybe some people will never understand? Maybe some people shouldn't even have a dog?
My dog gives and gives and gives even more. I love that old dog!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
monotony and chaos
Ever feel like everyone else is out having fun and you're trapped in a hell of monotony and chaos?
Ever cry uncontrollably because you cannot manage to do the same thing over and over and over again?
It's not just doing the dishes every day. It's washing dishes, having the phone ring, leaving the kitchen to answer the phone, returning to find dirty dishes mixed with the clean ones drying.
It's not just the laundry. It's doing the laundry, only to find piles and piles more on your daughter's floor.
It's not just sweeping the floor. It's sweeping the floor, leaving the room for 5 minutes, and returning to find half a box of Special K on the floor and the rest on the table.
Ever cry uncontrollably because you cannot manage to do the same thing over and over and over again?
It's not just doing the dishes every day. It's washing dishes, having the phone ring, leaving the kitchen to answer the phone, returning to find dirty dishes mixed with the clean ones drying.
It's not just the laundry. It's doing the laundry, only to find piles and piles more on your daughter's floor.
It's not just sweeping the floor. It's sweeping the floor, leaving the room for 5 minutes, and returning to find half a box of Special K on the floor and the rest on the table.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Death and Birth and all between
Well, I imagine that poor Harold is buried by now. He was a son, husband, father, and grandfather, at the young age of 41. I'm tired of seeing young men, lying in a box. It's too sad to see his wife, hugging, crying, begging for emotional comfort. I offered what I could: a hug and my daughter as a babysitter, if she needs. It's so not enough. And that's why I'll pray for her...for the strength she needs to bear it and the strength that she needs to persevere and the strength she needs to feel truly alive again.
Death, as much as I feel for the people closest to those lost, it makes me think of my own life and those in it. Time is slipping faster and faster by. There is so much to do, to be, to live. Should I prioritize? Should I grasp at all of it...the gusto? Should I just appreciate the ebb and flow of my everyday existence? Seek the joy in the simple? Enjoy what people come my way?
Too sad was the despair and ending last night. I needed to teeter-totter it. So, I looked for hope and beginning and found a brand new baby. He smiled, cooed, and made all sorts of baby noises...some not so pleasant. I offered what I could to him and accepted from his expressive eyes the simple, true love of a baby.
I guess how we start out life is how we continue through it. There's struggle in life, in every relationship-no matter how simple or complex, but the love we share during makes it all delightful. I am happy.
Death, as much as I feel for the people closest to those lost, it makes me think of my own life and those in it. Time is slipping faster and faster by. There is so much to do, to be, to live. Should I prioritize? Should I grasp at all of it...the gusto? Should I just appreciate the ebb and flow of my everyday existence? Seek the joy in the simple? Enjoy what people come my way?
Too sad was the despair and ending last night. I needed to teeter-totter it. So, I looked for hope and beginning and found a brand new baby. He smiled, cooed, and made all sorts of baby noises...some not so pleasant. I offered what I could to him and accepted from his expressive eyes the simple, true love of a baby.
I guess how we start out life is how we continue through it. There's struggle in life, in every relationship-no matter how simple or complex, but the love we share during makes it all delightful. I am happy.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Old Man and the Sign
My Dad sent me a sign tonight. It was Rodney.
When I visit my Dad at the cemetery, I chat with him a bit, walk over to the older relatives, back to my Dad, and then I glance over to Rodney and wave. Tonight, when I asked for a sign, which I always do, the Old Man made me really look at Rod's headstone.
July 31, 1999
10 years is a long time, but it really seems like yesterday.
I was just telling a co-worker today about Rodney, because she lost a young friend in an accident this week. Too sad.
I still remember that Saturday afternoon. My parents, Hannah, and a brother were at a picnic. I was about to join them, but got a call from Sister Helen (Rod's aunt). There'd been a farm accident and to pray. I walked up and down that sidewalk at my folks' house, carrying baby Sophie, whispering Hail Mary after Hail Mary.
Well, my prayers were answered, but not how I wanted, if that makes sense. Rod was called to Heaven. Some might argue where he went, but I know. He left a daughter and a woman who had loved him, and I was lucky enough to get to know those special girls after Rod passed.
I wasn't always nice enough to Rodney. Anyone who knew him knew it was sometimes hard to be nice though. Boy, he could tease me. One time, when we were teenagers, he made me so mad that I snatched his hat off his head and threw it on top of my parents' house. People laughed. He laughed, but I think I hurt his feelings, for which now I am sorry. He was just a boy to me...always.
Fast forward...at my wedding reception, where smoking was prohibited (Yes, even then, I was vehement!), Rod lit up. I told him off, but that didn't change anything. What a character! And then he made me feel so loved. He told my new husband that if he ever hurt me, he would be sorry, very sorry. He probably pounded his fist or something like that, and I'm sure gave him a very scary look to which I replied with my own scary look back at him, but no one could make him behave and secretly, I was pleased. I am sure that Rod would have carried out that threat if I had asked him, but I didn't want him to get into trouble. (And the ex-husband is "sorry" enough on his own!)
Rod was a good ol' boy until the end of his life...in many ways, but in the most obvious way to me, he was a boy in his heart, but trapped in a troubled body and hurt spirit. He's better now, easier now, content. But now, when a storm goes through, it's not God bowling; it's Rod thundering through, watering the crops, using those powerful feelings for good.
Life may have been hard for him at times, but he enjoyed it the best that he could. Someone reminded me tonight about Rod's laughter...
Can't you hear him laughing with us right now?
I can. He had a laugh. Man, he had a laugh. And I know I made him laugh a time or two.
After the funeral, they gave me something to remember him, not that I could ever, ever forget my lifetime friend, that boy that grew up down the road. They gave me a hat...a seed farm hat. I'm not sure that they remembered the hat incident, but I do. And I know that Rod got them to give it to me. I keep it at my Mom's on the top shelf of the closet in the spare room, because I just want to keep it. Keep it there. Keep it safe.
I know that Rod is one of my guardian angels. And now...I've gone through at least a dozen Kleenex. My eyes are swollen, and I'll have a crying headache tomorrow. I hope Rod knows that I would not do that, that crying, for just anyone.
So, where was my Dad trying to point me?
Embrace life. Don't be afraid to enjoy who comes into your life. The people in your life are what makes it wonderful and special and meaningful.
So, that's not exactly how the Old Man would have said it, but more like...
You do what you have to do.
And he probably would have added...
Oh...just get along with people.
And for good measure, Pop would have thrown in...
Are those your pajamas you're wearing out of the house?
He thought everything I wore in the 80s were pajamas. (I'm too sad. I gotta end on funny.)
I love Rodney. He is in my heart.
When I visit my Dad at the cemetery, I chat with him a bit, walk over to the older relatives, back to my Dad, and then I glance over to Rodney and wave. Tonight, when I asked for a sign, which I always do, the Old Man made me really look at Rod's headstone.
July 31, 1999
10 years is a long time, but it really seems like yesterday.
I was just telling a co-worker today about Rodney, because she lost a young friend in an accident this week. Too sad.
I still remember that Saturday afternoon. My parents, Hannah, and a brother were at a picnic. I was about to join them, but got a call from Sister Helen (Rod's aunt). There'd been a farm accident and to pray. I walked up and down that sidewalk at my folks' house, carrying baby Sophie, whispering Hail Mary after Hail Mary.
Well, my prayers were answered, but not how I wanted, if that makes sense. Rod was called to Heaven. Some might argue where he went, but I know. He left a daughter and a woman who had loved him, and I was lucky enough to get to know those special girls after Rod passed.
I wasn't always nice enough to Rodney. Anyone who knew him knew it was sometimes hard to be nice though. Boy, he could tease me. One time, when we were teenagers, he made me so mad that I snatched his hat off his head and threw it on top of my parents' house. People laughed. He laughed, but I think I hurt his feelings, for which now I am sorry. He was just a boy to me...always.
Fast forward...at my wedding reception, where smoking was prohibited (Yes, even then, I was vehement!), Rod lit up. I told him off, but that didn't change anything. What a character! And then he made me feel so loved. He told my new husband that if he ever hurt me, he would be sorry, very sorry. He probably pounded his fist or something like that, and I'm sure gave him a very scary look to which I replied with my own scary look back at him, but no one could make him behave and secretly, I was pleased. I am sure that Rod would have carried out that threat if I had asked him, but I didn't want him to get into trouble. (And the ex-husband is "sorry" enough on his own!)
Rod was a good ol' boy until the end of his life...in many ways, but in the most obvious way to me, he was a boy in his heart, but trapped in a troubled body and hurt spirit. He's better now, easier now, content. But now, when a storm goes through, it's not God bowling; it's Rod thundering through, watering the crops, using those powerful feelings for good.
Life may have been hard for him at times, but he enjoyed it the best that he could. Someone reminded me tonight about Rod's laughter...
Can't you hear him laughing with us right now?
I can. He had a laugh. Man, he had a laugh. And I know I made him laugh a time or two.
After the funeral, they gave me something to remember him, not that I could ever, ever forget my lifetime friend, that boy that grew up down the road. They gave me a hat...a seed farm hat. I'm not sure that they remembered the hat incident, but I do. And I know that Rod got them to give it to me. I keep it at my Mom's on the top shelf of the closet in the spare room, because I just want to keep it. Keep it there. Keep it safe.
I know that Rod is one of my guardian angels. And now...I've gone through at least a dozen Kleenex. My eyes are swollen, and I'll have a crying headache tomorrow. I hope Rod knows that I would not do that, that crying, for just anyone.
So, where was my Dad trying to point me?
Embrace life. Don't be afraid to enjoy who comes into your life. The people in your life are what makes it wonderful and special and meaningful.
So, that's not exactly how the Old Man would have said it, but more like...
You do what you have to do.
And he probably would have added...
Oh...just get along with people.
And for good measure, Pop would have thrown in...
Are those your pajamas you're wearing out of the house?
He thought everything I wore in the 80s were pajamas. (I'm too sad. I gotta end on funny.)
I love Rodney. He is in my heart.
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