Get Motivated...to deal with past heartache

On the way to a Get Motivated seminar, the most innocent thing can cause such despair and pain and loss. But there is a place and time to feel those things and deal with those feelings. So, I made a deal then...with myself. Hold it in. Contain it. Push it down. Deal later. Dealing now...

I spent an afternoon at the corner of Jolly and Hagadorn Roads with that red barn some 12 years ago. Then, it was an antique dealer. It might still be, but I couldn't look that way for long this week. Just a glance brought back so much. It filled me up until my eyes were wet and I spoke softly.

Just about a year before Sophie arrived, I miscarried. It was "just" a blighted ovum, but she was also my child, and I had hopes and dreams for her. She has a name; I gave her Regan. Regan means regal or royal, and she seemed to be in a hurry to get to the Kingdom of God. So, it worked.

After the doctor appointment where she was removed from my aching heart, my husband (at that time) took me to that antique store on the corner there to take my mind off things. I wandered around, looking around, not seeing anything, but trying to mend the hole in my heart.

Although the sadness of that day doesn't overwhelm me now when I think about it, because without that baby turning into my angel then, I would not have my Sophie now! I know that she is the guardian angel for my two earth angels. But...being there, at that place where I felt so much sadness, even just driving by it, caught me off guard and filled me with the despair of that Autumn day almost 12 years ago.

I didn't want to go by again...thanks to the driver for understanding, for accommodating me without question. We didn't go by again. I didn't want to feel that way. No one should.