Yearning...Bolt or Sun?

Yearning? What makes you yearn for someone? Yearning implies tenderness. But is it physical? Does it hit you like lightning? Or is it the emotional sun rising like a beacon?

That pang, that ache, that want...when the person walks away. That desire to lean toward him as he gets farther away and pull him back toward you. To safety, to make you safe. This pull...this electricity. How do you know if the current runs both ways? Does it strike just one and not the other? What if this strike sets you back or spins you around? Are these feelings real? Are you feeling the lightning just to feel the lightning? Real feelings? Do they come about like the sun rising? Slow, colorful, warm, bright, shiny, breathtaking...

Is yearning a response to a general loneliness? Is it just this specific person? Or could it be any person? I don't remember ever feeling this particular kind of yearning before...ever before. This need to be close, just near him.

When I hear him, I can breathe easier.

When I am near him, I cannot breathe.

That doesn't make sense, but it feels good, right, true.

Is yearning an addiction? I can't seem to get enough. Every bit, I enjoy though. Can you truly be happy with what is offered and not want more? Want what you want?

If I am lucky to get more or even luckier to get enough, will enough be enough? Or will I want something else? Do we always need to yearn? Or is there a satisfaction in having what you have? In loving what you love? In being loved back? Is the grass always greener? Or do I have patience enough to nurture my little corner of the world?

Is this a bolt of lightning that only I can see and feel? Or is it the sun...out there where everyone can see the shine and feel the warmth?

If it ever becomes real, will I bolt like lightning? Or will I be rooted in the soil of love and trust and warmth of the sun?

(I might need a bucket of friends to step in...to keep me still.)

Get Motivated...to deal with past heartache

On the way to a Get Motivated seminar, the most innocent thing can cause such despair and pain and loss. But there is a place and time to feel those things and deal with those feelings. So, I made a deal then...with myself. Hold it in. Contain it. Push it down. Deal later. Dealing now...

I spent an afternoon at the corner of Jolly and Hagadorn Roads with that red barn some 12 years ago. Then, it was an antique dealer. It might still be, but I couldn't look that way for long this week. Just a glance brought back so much. It filled me up until my eyes were wet and I spoke softly.

Just about a year before Sophie arrived, I miscarried. It was "just" a blighted ovum, but she was also my child, and I had hopes and dreams for her. She has a name; I gave her Regan. Regan means regal or royal, and she seemed to be in a hurry to get to the Kingdom of God. So, it worked.

After the doctor appointment where she was removed from my aching heart, my husband (at that time) took me to that antique store on the corner there to take my mind off things. I wandered around, looking around, not seeing anything, but trying to mend the hole in my heart.

Although the sadness of that day doesn't overwhelm me now when I think about it, because without that baby turning into my angel then, I would not have my Sophie now! I know that she is the guardian angel for my two earth angels. But...being there, at that place where I felt so much sadness, even just driving by it, caught me off guard and filled me with the despair of that Autumn day almost 12 years ago.

I didn't want to go by again...thanks to the driver for understanding, for accommodating me without question. We didn't go by again. I didn't want to feel that way. No one should.

Free Will

God’s greatest gift to us is free will. However, we also have a responsibility to take care of others. We need to make decisions not based upon just our own wants and needs. We have to use our free will to make good decisions for those who will be directly and indirectly affected by our decisions.

There are consequences to our actions.

Consequences beyond our knowledge.

Free will is not an excuse for others to use to get away from blame. You cannot hurt someone or abuse her, and blame it on her free will. The blame is still on the abuser. The abuser needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Why don't people learn this from others? Why do some people need to experience this before they understand it? Why do some people never understand?

Where is Chastity? Temperance? Charity? Diligence? Kindness? and Humility?

Free will is not an excuse to live otherwise. To ignore these 7 virtues by saying you have a free will is to choose to live your life of lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. We know where that will get you. So, if I cannot persuade you or show you that free will is not your right but your responsibility, what should I do? Keep trying to save your soul, or use your definition of "free will" and give up?

Crazy Glue

People are fragile. They can break. It's as simple -- and as complicated -- as that.

Whether it's a quick snap or a slow burn, sometimes you think you cannot handle any more than that -- that feeling of dread...of what's coming next. Your body tenses up. You walk around all hunched. Ready to tumble. Or ready to fly? or to explode? or to just lie down in a fetal position and cry?

Then, someone comes forward...is a Man. A good man. He listens. You know that you can just say anything, even if it's irrational. You're crazy, but he accepts you anyway. He puts you back together. You're crazy; he's glue.

Orange Crush

Ways To Let Go Of An Emotional Love Affair

What is an emotional love affair? An innocent crush. An inappropriate dependence. A dysfunctional replacement. Could be one or all.

(Stuff in ALL CAPS was taken from the link above.)

1.) SCHEDULE YOUR OBSESSING: hahaha! This suggestion is such an oxymoron. Have the author of the original article and the blogger-commentator ever been obsessed? Obviously not. Obsession...you cannot think of anything else. You think/feel it. It encompasses you. How can you turn it off? Even temporarily. The real thing you have to do is put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it hard every time you think of obsession.

2.) REPLACE YOUR CRUSH WITH SOMETHING: Now, distraction is a great route to take. However, what happens when you replace one obsession with an even worse one? What should I do? I've watched every Bones episode. I can read only so much before my eyes fall out. And of course, there's always exercise, but does exercise stop me from thinking about said-obsession? Or does it just give me more time to free my mind from reality and replace with fantasies about what might be nicer?

3.) ACCEPT THAT YOU'RE LONELY: Yes, I'm lonely, and that's why I obsess. Do I really need to be reminded about how lonely I really am when I am seeking help about being so lonely that I have to have an obsession? You are an obsession, you're my obsession. Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me? (Animotion) One is the loneliest number that they'll ever do. (Three Dog Night) I think it's the loneliest number that I'll ever be. And, I'll never be anything but that. Just one. That's acceptance.

4.) IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD: I like this one! ...The adrenaline rush of love, yes, it's basic. It's brain synapsis gone wild. It's your brain's own personal party. It's...My fantasy has turned to madness. All my goodness has turned to badness. (Animotion) When it's turned to badness, I guess it's time for the rubber band snap. But what's really wrong with a fantasy when life is so humdrum. So laundry and vacuum and dishes. Does the fantasy cause you to stop living? Or is it the fantasy that helps you cope with the existing?

5.) WRITE IT OUT: If you're too ashamed to admit to anyone you've lost it so hardcore for someone so utterly uninterested, try a nice, long journal session. Writing out one's emotions has been scientifically proven to help speed up the healing process... Now, this one I like. This is a time-honored way of creatively expressing one's loserness. Put it all out there...Loser it up. Maybe you'll inspire others? Maybe others will say...look at this crazy chick, because I'm not that gone with the wind.

Here's my suggestion for coping with a crush: Get a dollar bill. Walk to a vending machine. Purchase your own crush. I prefer grape, but purple is depressing, and this posting has been bleak enough. So, since orange is a proven happy color, I'll choose an Orange Crush.

Passport from Irrationality

I am absurd! How does my mind work?

Is there an actual thought process? Or is it a jumble of missing spark plugs? Should I look for the missing spark plug? If I look for it in a closed-up garage, will Humphrey Bogart rescue me? Would Humphrey/Linus rescue me? Or are happy endings just that? An ending? Where is my beginning? Waiting. Where is my life? Where is what I want? Where is what I want to do? The bottom of the list. The never-ending line through immigration. Go to the back of the line. Walk. Run. Plod.

I am an irrational. An irrational national.

I pledge allegiance to the irrational state of Mary.

Wealth and Waste

I have always told my daughters how rich we are in the ways that really count. We have one another. We have family who loves and holds us up when we need. However, after visiting the Dominican Republic and driving through the countryside, I am ashamed of my own gluttony and wastefulness.

Here I was on the way from a beautiful, all-inclusive resort to a zipline adventure, something totally extravagant, and I was passing homes with outhouses. I call them homes, but others might call them shacks. Our chicken coop is probably a little nicer than a few of these homes.

When I first saw some of the living conditions, I wanted to cry for them. How could they live like that? But the real question is...how could I live like that?

They are not shacks; they are homes. I do not presume to think that the families who live there are in anyway unhappy or unsatisfied with what they have.

I saw children in their school uniforms. I saw churches. I saw people congregating. I saw families together.

Just like here, there are some who are better off than others. Just like here, they make choices in how they live, and they are happy or sad.

I also saw gas stations, which consisted of gallon jugs filled with gas, sitting on a makeshift table. This works for them. However, how many times have I wished for a full-service station? What a luxury that would be.

I saw children chasing the bus to get the quarters that someone generously threw. I wish that I had thought to bring money for the children. What a treat for any small child anywhere! Anywhere? Maybe not here. How many times have I seen people walk by a coin on the sidewalk? Me...I pick it up if I see it. But, there are many who wouldn't bother. How many times have I wasted a quarter on some silly, stupid, extravagant thing though? Isn't that the same thing? Wasting something and just throwing it away?

I saw simplicity there. I surround myself with things here. To somehow complete me? To give me comfort? To make life easier? These things are silly and stupid. I am ashamed of myself.

I feel lost. I thought I knew myself. I thought I was a good person.

I am a wasteful, silly, spoiled girl.